Hey class. I’m Tony Power, MMA street-fighter, sociopath, psychopath and life-coach, and I’m here to teach you how to be truly present when you’re threatening some asshole, or harassing some broad.

 

Hey—you at the back—you got something to say? You think you’re better than me?

 

Alright then.

 

I’m going to do a little intro, take some questions, then we’re gonna do some violent role-playing. Get into it with each other. Over the next 10 weeks I’m gonna teach you not only how to enjoy putting a beat down on somebody physically, but spiritually too.

 

Now all of youse are going to be standing around with your boys on the corner outside the liquor store at some point, when some fuckhead gets into it with you. Don’t just make wild, thoughtless threats when this guy is acting the chump and you need to put him in his place—be mindful—try these Zen koans that I’ve adapted for you:

 

If I beat you until your mama don’t recognize you, but she don’t care, will your bones still make a cracking sound, buddy?

 

Hey pal, what is the sound of one hand clapping you upside the head?

 

These will get you and your opponent thinking mindfully while you go at it. It’s the secret to a happier life. You got that?

 

OK—any questions so far?

 

Didn’t think so.

 

What about you in the front row, huh tough guy? You like girls? You don’t look like you do, am I right class? Ha ha. Asshole. Nah, you’re alright, thanks for coming. Maybe get that hair cut. Keep everybody from wonderin’. Heh heh.

 

OK class, so when a fine looking piece comes your way, what do you do? Do you just yell “Hey baby!”

 

NO, assholes—you don’t!

 

Try these phrases instead, get creative:

 

Hey baby, feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. I’m in and out like that too, wanna come back to my place?

 

Get her attention. How about:

 

Our suffering stems from ignorance. How would you like me to fill your head with something bigger than both of us?

 

Yo girl. With mindfulness, you can establish yourself in the present in order to touch these  wonders that I’m makin’ available to you right now.

 

There is no way to happiness—happiness IS the way. Damn yo ass is on a journey!

 

Alright, any questions now? Does this all make sense to you numbnuts?

 

It’d better.

 

Now you guys just sit there and try not to do nothin’ stupid while I get the mats out. I’m gonna do a demonstration, get into it with Liberace here in the front, then you can all go ape on each other, OK? I want you to be as disgusting and confrontational as you can be, because this is a rat race, and if you’re not doin’ it, somebody else will be. First we’ll do beat-downs, then we’ll do the holla. One of youse will have to play the broad, then we’ll switch it so we all get a chance to harass. I see a few of you in here who I bet can’t wait to be the lady, am I right? Bunch of pansies.

 

Assholes.

 

Finally we’ll break for Chai.

 

Simon Pinkerton is a contributor at Queen Mob’s Tea House, duh. Also at McSweeney’s, Minor Literature[s] and Maudlin House among others. Love him @simonpinkerton on Twitter and www.simonpinkerton.tumblr.com on, um, Tumblr.