Vertigo is so incredible. Watching it for the 5th time for the class I start teaching tomorrow. It’s hard to believe. The colors alone, bright and full of death. Memory. The maze of obsession winding, steep, a city of hills, dead rings of an ancient tree trunk, the “portals of the past.” The terrible weight of male fantasy, making us impossible to love. Of things never having been real.

Madeline: “Only one is a wanderer. Two together are always going somewhere.”

Madeline: “Knowing I have to die.”

An 8th house film.

Judy: “Forget the other and forget the past.”

Scottie: “I want to stop being haunted.”

On my last night in Germany, a young woman who came to my opening, was dancing on the dance floor at the bar we all went to after. She started chatting with me about NYC and about knowing how to take care of yourself when you need to conserve your energy. I’d told her I couldn’t stay out late or drink too much because of my early morning flight the next day. How I’d gotten very drunk the night before my flight to Germany the week before, and paid for it. We talked about our problems sleeping. A problem she said she’s conquered. Then she said, “You have stop being afraid of death. Then you’ll sleep.” She reminded me of me. She knew my fears. She had the same. I wanted to go back to my hotel room because I am so tired of looking and not being found. Madeline, right before she kisses Scottie for the first time, “I don’t want to die.”

Crossposted with Love Dog.