In her just-released memoir Boys in the Trees, Carly Simon revealed that verse two of her classic 1972 takedown of the male ego is about none other than legendary Hollywood hunk Warren Beatty. But to us lifelong Simonites this is old news. We self-proclaimed CarHards puzzled out “You’re So Vain” long ago, through close listening and a little outside-the-box thinking, and zeroed in on the celebrity subjects of all three verses. Now we’re ready to settle the debate once and for all:

 

VERSE ONE

 

You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht

Your hat strategically dipped below one eye

Your scarf it was apricot

You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte

And all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner

They’d be your partner, and…

 

Seems cryptic, right? Well, look again:

 

You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht

Your hat strategically dipped below one eye

Your scarf it was apricot

You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte

And all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner

They’d be your partner, and…

 

See it now? If you bold only the sixth, second, first, fifth, first, first, sixth, first, second and second letters of the second, fifth, eighth, ninth, sixteenth, seventeenth, twenty-third, thirty-third, thirty-ninth and forty-seventh words of this verse, it spells:

 

D a w i d    B o w i e

 

The birth name of glam-rock sensation David Bowie! Sometimes all it takes is a second glance.

 

 

VERSE TWO

 

You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive

Well you said that we made such a pretty pair

And that you would never leave

But you gave away the things you loved

and then played Dick Tracy

I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee

Clouds in my coffee, and…

 

This one’s a revealing but subtle dig, so you may have missed it: “Dick Tracy” is in fact not a pejorative, but a fictional comic strip character! A movie adaptation of the comic strip was released in 1990, written by and starring the man himself, former Simon flame Warren Beatty. So Carly’s story checks out. Either that or it’s a shocking coincidence.

 

VERSE THREE

 

Well I hear you went up to Saratoga and your horse naturally won

Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia

and your name was Jack Nicholson

Well you’re where you should be all the time

And when you’re not you’re with

Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend

Wife of a close friend, and…

 

This verse is clearly a reference to James Taylor, who famously dated many prominent underworld spies. Even though Simon has often denied that “You’re So Vain” is about JayTay, the truth is painfully transparent here. We see you, Carly.

Sallie Merkel created and starred in the web series “Dandy Nails with
Sandy,” and is the subject of the song “You Oughta Know.” Henry Hoke writes
books and is the subject of the song “Darling Nikki.” They tweet at each
other from @salliemerkel and @ennuiperkins