Dear John,
My pansexual gal pal and I were just talking about how for the both of us, that hooking up with people quicker is the better route because why wouldn’t you want to know them [in that way] sooner than later than invest time in someone you’re just not compatible with [in that way].
Having been in long term relationships for most of my 20s, I’m now dating guys in their thirties who don’t seem in any hurry to get physical and I kind of find this bizarre. In your 20s, you get it on and then maybe you develop into something afterwards. I thought this was the way of dating apps in the now. Of course there are the guys on such apps solely out for sex and they make it clear, but then there are “the others”.
A couple weeks ago I went out with a guy – first meeting was for tea, second hang out was a hockey game on Valentine’s Day and followed by a week of near daily texts from the hours of 10:30 PM to 12:30 AM in the “how are you? I’m watching tv by myself” variety. Finally I suggested we watch tv together instead of doing this separately and texting each other about it and about our viewing lists.
The day came, I was heading out of a meeting and he had ordered a late dinner to his place, so at 11PM, we sat in the dark with a candle crackling watching a movie and eating candy. The film ends and we hang out for a bit until 2:30 AM. This whole time we’re each on the farthest ends of his big couch. There’s no touching. I go home. Another week goes by of him initiating similar texts. I try to suggest watching something else together to see if there could be a second round of possibilities for touching, forgetting he had told me he’s going out of town for a few weeks for work. So, with the help of my friend, I text him: Did we miss out the chance to make out and stuff before you head out?
What happens? Nothing, at all. Complete crickets. No more texts. What gives? It’s not like we’re spring chickens, it’s not like we don’t know what to do. What kind of guy has a woman over at 11PM and then pulls a friendzone?
Next up, an older guy. We meet up. It’s great. We meet up again. We go to my place to hang out/watch tv. He puts his hand on my knee. That’s all it took. During, he says he feels bad about hooking up with me too soon and didn’t want to disappoint me and wants to hang out again.
Have guys 30-something+, guys in general become sensitive during the time I was off the market in my last round of serial monogamy (that you’ve heard of)? What’s a gal to do? Must a woman treat certain men with kid gloves?
Your co-sex columnist,
Cornelia in Los Angeles
Cornelia grew up in the wooded lands of The Blair Witch and the times of the nineties. She's learning the trials and tribulations of phone app dating on the dirty streets of Downtown Los Angeles, whilst making sure Hollywood stays Satanic and playing the theremin.
Dear Cornelia,
‘Great empires are not maintained by timidity’ – Tacitus
I can solve all your problems. Okay, some men are shy, some men are religious, some men’s biologies are actually navigating them away from the fuck, some men expect you to do everything, some men are like feminists so they’re not fucking you ‘cos you’re a woman. Okay? But that’s just a few observations.
It says here you hooked up with a guy though? Maybe you’re just impatient.
‘The desire for safety stands against every good and great noble enterprise’ – Tacitus
Okay – are you guys talking in code? Because if you’re saying “I could do with a slingwalla on the dingdong”, nobody has any idea what the heck you’re talking about. All you need is, “You wanna come back to my place?”, and then the other one says “Yes”, and then you see if you start kissing. But if you’re saying like “Get a dingdong slang”, nobody has any idea.
Hockey is so awesome. I played hockey at school.
Okay, I’m thinking… You got no diseases, you’re a woman, you live in the United States of America… I know we can fix this.
Come, let us go, fall in love in the daytime or the night with beautiful partners and make love several times a day until we are SATISFIED.
Remember! “Let him kiss me with the kiss of his mouth: for thy breasts are better than wine, Smelling sweet of the best ointments. Thy name is as oil poured out: therefore young maidens have loved thee.
Draw me: we will run after thee to the odour of thy ointments. The king hath brought me into his storerooms: we will be glad and rejoice in thee, remembering thy breasts more than wine: the righteous love thee.
Arise, make haste… For winter is now past, the rain is over and gone.”
All the best,
John North
John North is a poet. Awarded the degree of Masters of Arts with Distinction at the University of Manchester in 2012, after graduating with a BA (Hons) in 2011. A Poetry Editor at the Cadaverine.
Poems have appeared in journals including The North, Kaffeeklatsch, The Interpreter's House, and The Manchester Review, and in anthologies CAST: The Poetry Business Book of New Contemporary Poets, and The Best British Poetry 2014.