Sex Column / Humor Piece
SEX is necessary to maintenance of our outdated ideological paradigms; this unfortunate fact should not surprise anyone who has seen studio-made hetero porn in the last 20 years. The patriarchy is alive in every blunt priapic thrust, every fake-breasted moan, every rope of semen batted across a tanning bed face. Women are reduced of their humanity, rendered as uncanny she-monster vessels of vicarious male pleasure.
There is much talk about how traditional masculinity is fracturing, with hopeful undertones that maybe the patriarchy itself will shatter with it. Porn will tell you otherwise. Infantile, misogynist rubbish full of grotesque penises and mashed-in labia has only diversified its outer trappings: here, watch a tattooed girl get shit on—here, watch a biracial chick get choke-fucked—here, watch lolis get a tentacle in every hole! The signifiers have changed, but the discourse remains the same. Porn creates its own audience. This is a telltale sign of its dialectic nature. Pubescent boys do not perform their first furtive web search for fuck vids thinking, “I wonder, how I can subjugate women as my sexual property?[1]”
Continental philosophy suggests that a disruptive act is the only way to unsettle this dialectic, and queer theory tells us exactly what kind of disruption is necessary: getting fucked in the ass. A man’s anal sanctity is his membership card to the Patriarchy Club; its logic is such that being penetrated is tantamount to being conquered. Every gender and every sexual persuasion should try to fuck a man in the ass, because doing so will expedite the revolution.
But how will a future patriarch let me fuck him in the ass? you ask—especially since accomplishing such a task should still be ethically sound and consensual.
It will be easiest to find a younger man whose mask of dominating heteromasculinity has not yet swallowed up the unformed creature beneath; it also helps that men in their early 20s are so horny that many of them aren’t picky about what sexual situations they enter once initiated. On the other hand, it’s most useful to our cause to direct the effort necessary for this daunting task toward those most likely to continue the never-ending assault on sexual liberation. Thankfully, there is one type of man who meets all these criteria who can be found in every part of America, in our big cities and farm towns alike: the bro.
——– >>> The Big Buck Hunt
1) Familiarize yourself with your local bro bar. Nearly every town has one. Such places are characterized by bad 90s alt rock karaoke and movie trailer-quality dubstep; every surface will be sticky from sloshed domestic beer. Get there around 10:00 on a Saturday, before most bros have finished their pregame shots of half-Fireball/half-Rumpleminze. The average bro is what our criminal justice system considers a flight risk, so it is wise to document when bros enter the bar and how long they stay. Otherwise, you’ll be chasing bros into the deepest, dangerous reaches of the night. You will fail miserably if you take that approach.
2) It is important to positively identify a bro in the field. Their appearance shifts according to geography and socioeconomic status: college bros wear boat shoes and shorts with aggressive inseams, suburban bros prefer Henley shirts and bad tattoos, rural bros grow patchy goatees to match their camo, etc. One hallmark sign of a bro is the fitted cap. Bros tend to travel in packs, but their formations unspool as they drink and sniff the air for vulnerable women.
a) Camille Paglia would likely note that bros can be divided into two subtypes: Dionysian and Apollonian. Dionysian bros like toga parties because it’s easier to piss on things when you’re only wearing a sheet; Apollonian bros like toga parties because they can tastefully exhibit their sculpted chests. Dionysian bros, on the whole, are more interested in drowning out unpleasant childhood memories with never-ending revelry than they are reflexively aroused by their own masculine form and its potential for sexual hegemony. Apollonian bros reverse the priority of these concerns.
b) An Apollonian bro is best suited for this exercise. To confirm the taxonomy of a particular bro, try to imagine him seated solemnly upon a golden throne, thrusting a glowing lance upward toward Sol Invictus. If the image fits, you’re good to go.
3) Making conversation with bros is more challenging than it seems. Complement the bro, but don’t tell him outright that he’s attractive. Praise his muscles in an abstract way. Tell him he sounds smart. Exchange crude sexual stories with the bro. Ask him which festivals he plans to attend this summer. All bros want to go to a festival. Say as little about yourself as possible. Become a cipher to your bro. You are creating a Narcissus; the bro must become enamored with the reflection of himself that you point back at him.
4) Create and execute a plan of action before either you or your bro gets too drunk. You want to be a herald of sexual revolution, not a rapist. Unfortunately, some bros are born too drunk. If he sings a country ballad at karaoke, he is probably never sober enough for consensual sex. Unless it’s k.d. lang’s “Constant Craving.” However, any bro who sings k.d. lang at karaoke has already been fucked in the ass.
5) Be gentle at first when you fuck him. Deepen and hasten your strokes once he becomes comfortable with the heretofore alien experience of being penetrated. You don’t want to roust the bro from this experience by leaving the TV or music on in the background. Don’t be discouraged if he keeps his eyes closed the whole time. He should feel like he’s fucking himself in the ass with his own dick. Don’t be rude; let him have an orgasm once you’ve made your point. This still needs to be a pleasant experience for the bro.
6) He’ll want to leave as soon as he can, without feeling dirty. Let him shower alone. The bro won’t ask you for your number, and you shouldn’t give it to him anyway. In a year or so, mail him some Judith Butler books with no return address. It doesn’t matter if he reads them. You did the best you could for the cause.
[1] There is questionable ideological content in other pornography, too—but that’s a discussion for another time.
Mark André is a prose writer, information specialist, and minister counseling sinners in the sexual abyss surrounding Our Nation's Capital. Questions or feedback for Mark may be sent care of other [at] queenmobs [dot] com