Stage 1

Do you have full lips? Lucky you. There is no known pleasure greater than a lover’s kiss, and for those blessed with Scarlett Johanssen-esque apparatus, packed with nerve endings as responsive and dangerous as electricity pylons, life is lived in anticipation of the next snog.

No? Nevermind. You are still well-equipped, with tongue, spit and teeth, capable of flicking, licking, nibbling and grazing another.

A snog begins with fingertips that deliberately grip a glass stem or hold a cigarette in a manner suggestive of what is to come, drawing attention to contours that would otherwise remain undetected by your suppliant’s eye.

Smile while talking, pinch your lower lip between thumb and forefinger, plumping it up, just as you would a cushion. Bite. Drag. &c

When your bodies have moved closer, and are locked in profound conversation separate to the intellectual rubbish being transmitted by your useless vocabulary, let your fingertips alight on a seemingly innocuous body part belonging to your intended. It’s an allusion that will send signals to the lips and cause the tongue, curious, to peer from between them, to moisten and prepare them for stage 2.

Stage 2

Open Spotify! Or whatever. Locate the album Led Zeppelin II by Led Zeppelin. The first track, ‘Whole Lotta Love’ is five minutes and 33 seconds long, and will provide an ideal ambience for this snogging business to feel at once playful and highly combustible. The intro is the perfect tempo for which to meander coolly back to your lover, crotch-first. Face him or her decisively. Yeah. They’d better believe you’ve got a whole lotta love. Or if not love, at least rampant sexuality.

You’ll notice that the intense focus on your lover’s mouth creates the surreal effect of it seeming to dissociate with the rest of their body. Not cartoonish, but tantalising, ready to receive you. There’s a pulse, a throbbing of arousal. Place two fingers gently under the chin of your partner and draw them closer. Maintaining eye contact for now, widen them and inject as much of the ‘window-to-the-soul’-like quality that a manipulative maniac like you can possibly muster. (Warning: There is a delicate line between this powerfully alluring technique and that of the alarmed boggle).

Stage 3

Your breathing will become irregular, but shouldn’t catch. Don’t choke with excitement. Though cinema will have suggested otherwise, don’t close your eyes at this point either. You wouldn’t close them (presumably) when faced with marvellous scenery, so why now, when the visage of another in all its beatific vulnerability is advancing nearer, to embrace your wanton lips with theirs. There is no finer sight available on earth, idiot.

Let memories of the previous hours you’ve – hopefully – spent together ebb through your mind. You were absorbing the details precisely to recall them in this instant. They will subtly inform your ability to become materially indistinguishable from your lover in the hours to come.  When two rumps become one among sweaty bedsheets, the dream is achieved. But first, more kissing. Yes!

Part 4

Do close your eyes for the collision. When your lips meet and the urge to enter one another is communicating itself in a heightening frenzy, you will want to give yourself up entirely to touch, taste and scent. DO NOT BE AFRAID OF SPIT. This is not the moment to consult your Debrett’s Guide to Etiquette – you should be experiencing mental imagery capable of shocking Goya or Hieronymous Bosch. Spit is both chaste and a welcome source of erotic lubricant. It’s disgusting to be afraid of your beloved’s germs. Either revel in your shared immune system or get out of the picture. You don’t deserve to be orally worshipped.

Allow your tongue to freely explore the territory, but be disciplined in your approach here. Flaccid tongue is sloppy. Expert tongue is taut. Lingers. Retracts. Licks and caresses with precision timing.

Once you’ve established a deeply compatible kissing-style, things will become fast and frenetic, so to temper the pace, amidst the tongue-flicks, lip-biting and occasional knocking of teeth, laugh. Or rather, snigger together. It’s the smug, self-congratulating sexy equivalent of a high-five for being the coolest coupling since Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe – enjoy the sensation, it’s specific to this moment and will not accompany you on weekly trips to Morrisons (many phenomenal kisses lead to this tragic inevitability).

Re-introduce your fingers here, bringing them up to your partner’s mouth and keeping it occupied while you lazily drag your lips along the length of their neck and torso, being careful not to travel anywhere that might expedite progress outside of the kissing realm.

Tease them. Be conscious that the aim is to tease, not incite vomiting.You may be inclined to to put your freshly moistened fingers to good use (nudge) “elsewhere” (wink) when you resume snogging.

Resume snogging. You are sooooo good at it

P.S Excessive snogging releases oxytocin, so choose co-conspirators wisely – that shit will fuck you up.

Cherry Martinelli has been snogging girls and boys alike since initial discovery at the age of 9. She is completely orally fixated and in an open relationship with her own mouth. Beyond kissing, her interests include: provoking confusion, ignoring pressing obligations and admiring her fingernails.

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