One silver-haired and two silver-screen vixens apply their very particular set of skills to a very particular double-feature within the Alpha Male milieu this week, giving six areolae of varying-but age-appropriate perkiness WAY up to American Sniper starring Bradley Cooper and Taken 3 with Liam Neeson.
Their review's a bona fide crowd-pleaser! The Citizen Kane of celluloid scrutiny! Fun for the Hole Family! A guilty-but-in-CBT-trying-to-get-over-the-shame pleasure!
Ladies? ! ~ …
Marilyn Hagerty: The popcorn arrived at this movie in a hot—VERY HOT—state and I approached it with caution.
Julie Hagerty: We did have a choice of steak or fish.
Marilyn Monroe [breathlessly]: What do you think the hawtest state is, I think it’s Massachusetts #justsayin…
Julie Hagerty: State of Maggie Grace, amirite, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
Marilyn Hagerty [haughtily adjusting pince-nez]: We could’ve gotten regular seats for $12. An IMAX experience costs $15, but we didn’t need that.
Marilyn Monroe: I know what I need, and that’s Navy Seals fighting in-sur-gency.
Julie Hagerty [helpfully]: With Dirty Harry.
Marilyn Hagerty [emitting hostile yet dismissive body language]: The Legal Sea Foods bisque bowls are never dirty.
Julie Hagerty [earnestly]: Did we start talking about those nice young men Bradley Cooper and Liam Neeson yet?
Marilyn Monroe [purring]: 20th Century Foxes!
Marilyn Hagerty: Bradley Cooper is an inviting ambiance in which to have a David O. Russell nervous breakdown and a Clint Eastwood nervous breakdown—but he’s no Gary Cooper.
Marilyn Monroe [mewling]: Poor Gary Cooper, he’s gone through so much with the missing plane and Haiti and all the Times Square balls dropping and doing 360’s and how hard do you think it is to have Gloria Allred as your MOTHER…
Julie Hagerty [muttering]: I told Ted he couldn’t fly that plane…
Marilyn Hagerty [sniffing]: Bradley Cooper is pub grub subbing as a country-club Club…sandwich.
Julie Hagerty [caressing Marilyn H’s solar plexus]: You’re talking about Steve COOGAN, dear…
Marilyn Monroe: MGMmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
[Long pause]
Julie Hagerty [wistfully]: I think both these movies could’ve used more “FUCK YEAHs.”
[Longer pause]
Julie Hagerty [so much more wistfully]: And Liam Neeson seemed so nice in Nell. He’s taken on an against-type role here.
Marilyn Hagerty: Buttered rolls at Olive Garden instead of breadsticks #getoutthevote
Julie Hagerty [most wistfully]: He should have channeled his inner Wallace Shawn. Ted took me to see Vanya on 42nd Street for my 420th birthday.
Marilyn Monroe: ♪ ♪ Happy birthday/Mr. President ♪ ♪
Julie Hagerty [crossly]: Let’s back to Bradley Cooper now.
Marilyn Hagerty: ♫ ♫ ♫ Hot cross buns, hot cross buns ♫ ♫ ♫
Julie Hagerty [impressed]: I didn’t know you could see my wrylies.
Marilyn Monroe [wryly]: ♬ ♭ ♮ Happy birthday/Mr. Veteran ♬ ♭ ♮
Marilyn Hagerty: Veterans eat for free on Mondays at Outback!
Julie Hagerty: Or maybe we could revisit Liam Neeson.
Marilyn Monroe: ♫ ♫ Happy birthday/Mr. Jettison ♫ ♫
Julie Hagerty [hopefully]: Did you say jetsam?
Marilyn Hagerty: I remember the Jetsons. I once ate everything in the Foodarackacycle in one sitting. I didn’t get a chance to review it.
Julie Hagerty: Anyway, I’m a little disappointed that neither of these movies passes the Bechdel test.
Marilyn Hagerty: Yes, more béchamel for my nachos.
Julie Hagerty: OK, whatever, Kurosawa.
Marilyn Hagerty: We don’t even have sushi in Grand Forks
Julie Hagerty: You’re skirting the issue.
Marilyn Monroe: Don’t talk about my skirt.
Marilyn Hagerty: I like skirt steak. It’s often impressive. But not here, I observed.
Julie Hagerty: I really want to talk about Bradley Cooper in Iraq!
Marilyn Monroe: Don’t talk about my rack.
Julie Hagerty [calmly writhing]: The readers want to hear about the long takes. The establishing shots. The mise en scene. The casts. The pans…
Marilyn Hagerty: The cast-iron pans they use at Church’s Chicken perfectly match the décor of the seasoned hot messes that showed up at the Golden Globes.
Julie Hagerty: The montages…
Marilyn Monroe [happily sighing]: The ménages.
Marilyn Hagerty: I would kill for a Shasta right now.
Julie Hagerty: The deus ex machina…
Marilyn Monroe [woefully]: Arthur. Joe. Jack. Bobby. The sheet-metal worker. I loved them all.
Julie Hagerty: No, not EXES. [Thinks lustfully: “But maybe your solar PLEX-us.”]
Marilyn Monroe [shooting eye-daggers made out of discarded Duggars]: You know what Strasberg said about me, right? I’VE mastered the Principle of Evil Marksmanship…
Julie Hagerty [nervously]: You’re getting antagonistic.
Marilyn Monroe: I’VE inverse-ninja’d…
Marilyn Hagerty: I will look for that Shasta, I will find that Shasta, and I will kill that Shasta.
Marilyn Monroe: I’M never a sure shot, my Uzi’s always oozing…
Julie Hagerty: But that’s not important!
Marilyn Monroe [ululating]: I WAS BETTER THAN BRANDO! BETTER THAN BRANDO! BETTER THAN BRANDO!
[Silence. Julie Hagerty gives Marilyn Monroe a fistbump.]
Julie Hagerty [sibilating]: Said the Baltimore Ravens, Bryan Mills, et al.: NeverLenore.
Marilyn Hagerty: The peppermills at TGI CGI Ruby Til Tuesday’s Child Labor Cheesecake Factory could use a good…
Marilyn Monroe and Julie Hagerty: SHUT UP, MARILYN!
[Open maws]
[Pause]
[Applause]
Marilyn Hagerty: Anyone up for Chili’s?
Next week: Bob Dylan, Dylan McDermott, Dermot Mulroney, and a monster truck review Freddy Got Fingered Redux.
Jenn Gidman is an honors grad of STFU. She earned a “D” in her first and only poetry class, made two kids, likes bonfires, and is still trying to figure out the Frank Bidart/James Franco connection.
editor’s note: this post is part of our Sight Unseen series in which people review movies they have NOT seen. Guidelines for submitting to Sight Unseen can be found here