1. Pineapple Cheese Sabotage Display
Was the store fresh out of a reason to live?
2. Christmas Holiday Just because
Jello Bounty
OCD. It’s what’s for dinner!
3. Putting the Moldy in Jello Mold
You’re right Aunt Myrtle, Billy’s placenta does freeze beautifully!4. eating Mom’s Christmas Pie
What wine pairs with inertia and chronic dissatisfaction?
5. Downward Spiral with SPAM’n’Limas
If you’re not inspired like the ad says then you’re just not trying hard enough. You think Jesus wants you enjoying food NOT fresh out of a can? What, you think you’re too good for us? I bet you’re a commie, yeah, you’re one of them pinkos aren’t you, you probably have one of them Victory gardens and sit around bad mouthing your country. I know your kind. We’re watching you.
6. AIRY FARE
No one need bother with dessert when mayonnaise and luscious are in town. How’reyoudoin’?
7. MORE SPAM NOW
The wife and kids will be sleeping better at night bunking down in the bomb shelter knowing I’ve stockpiled SEVEN kinds of “meat.”
8. FUN WITH dick and Jane and Sausage
Gee Scooter, your mom sure knows how to perk up a bunch of wieners!
9. DO IT RIGHT
Forget your yule log, throw out Grandma Mabel’s fruitcake recipe, there’s a new boss in town! We haven’t been this excited since Soap-on-a-Rope and the year Lester bought an Edsel!
10. swap the Keys with frank and beans
Okay, who picked Esther’s house key? Anyone? Come on now, I KNOW I put it in there, who’s backing out? Huh? Huh? Oh, shut up, Frank, everyone knows it can’t be you, who do you think suggested playing Keys anyhow? Lord knows, Esther could use a break from you. Anyone?
11. That’s Italian!
Salada de sardinhas is Italian for I’M SOOO DRUNK. Oh, settle down Harold. We get it, you’re Italian, yeah okay, a stallion too. That’s very funny. Oh? Nipples? Heh. Very clever, no, it didn’t occur to me at all. Clearly your Phillis is a very lucky girl. Sigh.
12. Red, White and code Blue Trauma
If Frankie Doodle wants to be your dandy, today might be the day to finally pick up the phone and make that call to child protective services. Uncle Sam and all the good mushroom hat wearing patriot legion supports you. Amen, and God Bless America.
13. Lettuce All Die Now
Munch’s “Scream” now with wings.
14. All “Natural” “Cream” “Corn”
So you ask yourself, corn’s from nature, right? So that means it must be natural. And not just any kind of natural, but freakishly NATURAL, it’s “richer” for chrissakes, it’s “corn cream!” And what else has cream? Why ICE CREAM! Are you sold yet? Do you want to be richer and natural and filled with corn creamy goodness? YES. YES. YES. Oh, Please, just attach a fire hose to a port in my gut and start blasting it in! I am corn, the corn is me, worship my corn goddessey goodness
15. Turkey is Neat!
FYI: If you are tasting Thanksgiving dinner all over again you might be vomiting. Happy Holidays!
16. Surprise It’s Meat! Dish
Do the holiday doldrums got you down? Here’s a great solution for brightening up the table!
17. Platform and tier gelatin
Craigslist Ad: Sea Dream Top seeking Vegetable Trio Bottom for parties, weddings and holidays and long walks on the beach. Must love dogs and self-annihilation.
18. Color Me Salad!
If congealed salads could talk, this one would say, “Bitch I’m fabulous!”
19. Squirt ‘n Drink
Wherever there’s Squirt . . . there’s fun! And ellipses! You got that RIGHT! Wait . . . what? Shut up and drink your innuendo.
20. Bananas ‘n SPAM
This year Jimmy won the science fair for proving that SPAM is the perfect conductor for electromagnetic thermo processors. He also convinced the neighborhood to insulate their houses with SPAM — no, it never spoils! It’s SPAM! If it’s good enough for our fightin’ boys, it’s good enough for me!
21. Haystack (Batshit) hors d’oeuvre
Um, I think Mom might have stopped taking her meds.
22. Squeeze Me Pleez
Squeez Snak Cheez is perfect for those conjugal visits to the state pen! And it goes great on a bugle!
23. Pink combat self loathing Dessert
It’s a THEME ! Get it? Everything’s pink! Isn’t that a scream? Uncle Lloyd and your other Uncle Lloyd have really outdone themselves! At first I couldn’t imagine what I’d wear and then it hit me: PINK! Isn’t that darling! No, it doesn’t hurt my eyes, not a bit! Here, have some more champagne, IT’S PINK!
24. Sea as in ’tis the Holiday SEA-SON
The Republic’s untrustworthy. Don’t allow yourself to be lulled into a false sense of security. Don’t be fooled my comrades! it’s made from MERMAIDS, it’s MERMAIDS!
Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!