Dearest Walt,

Hey, this is Gary. I just felt like writing you. I also had a few questions about the recent poem you published. As you know I appreciate your poetry. I go to the river with you, you read me some of your poetry, we get naked, we swim a little, yada yada yada, we go home. I do enjoy our time together, but there is just one issue I have.

I run the puppet show for the children before the public executions each week (thanks for coming last week by the way!) and well there have been some questions about the nature of our relationship. If you could tone down some of your poetry for me that would be great.  The owner of the puppet show was concerned and actually quoted one of your lines to me. “And parted the shirt from my bosom-bone, and plunged your tongue to my bare-stript heart.”

He kept on asking me “You go to the river with him a lot right? What is this about a tongue in the heart? I mean that’s impossible right? What does he mean by heart? It must represent something else right? I can’t imagine what. I mean live your life the way you want, but we have a reputation to uphold at this children’s puppet show we put on before public executions.”  Again, I just tell him you get a little carried away with your metaphors and it’s just two dudes hanging by the river talking about women and reading poetry to each other.

Also, although I have 7 children by my wife of 5 years, (that should be proof enough right?!) my darling wife has been asking some very pointed and uncomfortable questions about our “River Walks.” (It’s the tone she says it in) She brings up this line a lot from your poem: “I will go to the bank by the wood and become undisguised and naked.” I tell her “Like that means anything at all! Walt just likes to get a little naked sometimes!” It’s just two dudes, naked on the bank of the river reading poetry to each other, maybe a little horse play too. It’s just nice to have someone else make sure your back is clean. Right?

Another issue my darling wife has, usually after a few glasses of mead, is “An unseen hand also pass’d over their bodies, It descended tremblingly from their temples and ribs.” I mean COME ON! How can you interpret this as anything but innocent? The hand is unseen so it never really happened anyways right? That’s what I keep telling her, but get some mead in her and she never shuts up. Seven fucking children and I still have to put up with these questions, Walt! Seven!

Yours Truly,
Gary

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Christopher Hagel is the clever one who drinks too much in the cocktail party that is life. You can find him here and here.