Lust Thrust Thursdays: Putin’s Sex Test

What is Putin’s safe word in the bedroom?

To answer, we need to figure out who this Putin is. Is he a sadomasochist? Russians are masochists by nature. Putin lived and worked a long time in Germany, a nation of sadists. This is the key to the Russian’s love­/hate relationship with Germany. The Russian loves German wars, but when the German wants to bring love to Russians (sadists always have a thing for masochists, and vice versa), he brings death. Putin and the Russian people are just right for each other. Therefore, all one hears from Putin’s bedroom is the people shouting “More! More! The more you torture us, the more we’re yours.” Which can only stir up the sadist. So what’s Putin’s safe word? He refuses to have one.

Is Putin into role­play?

A long time ago, Saint Petersburg’s mayor Anatoly Sobchak, a former journalist, asked Putin what he was going to do with his life. Putin said he was going to run a fleet of taxis. This would have been the better option for the Russian people. However, it seems to me that Putin has somehow signed a pact with the devil. The devil gave Putin a gas station by the name of Russia. And now Putin’s favorite game is Putin and the cab drivers. Cabbies issue into Putin’s bedroom demanding to know where their boss is. Putin’s secretary tells them he’s gone out. “We do not believe you,” they say, crawling under his bed. They yank him out and start beating his iron penis. Putin gets a thrill out of this, falling into a deep, contented sleep. The next morning he’ll order more bombings over Syria and strangle the Russian people with a new tax. Sex play is powerful.

Has Putin ever made a sex tape?

I’ve been wondering how to answer this one. I’ve gone through a lot of Putin speeches on Russian TV. Finally I’ve figured it out. Putin’s speeches constitute an on­going diatribe on sex. All his gestures, his smiles, his play on words with Russian proverbs, his exaggerations, etc. In short, he fucks with Russian viewers’ minds. Perhaps he has forgotten that Tsar Nicholas and his favorite Rasputin also fucked with the Russian Empire’s head. This led to the Russian people fucking the entire Romanov family in the basement of the Ipatiev house. (Those who want to know the details may click on But let us return to Putin and his cool porn actor spiel. Unfortunately, he lacks the charisma of Rocco Siffredi and he doesn’t have a penis like John Holmes or Ron Jeremy’s hairy chest. Putin doesn’t stack up. It’s clear when he’s standing there in his underwear that he’s doesn’t have much. The day will come when the Russian people will exclaim, as in an Andersen fairytale,“Putin has no Huylo. He’s got a small screw.” It will be Putin’s undoing. It will be the end of the Huyla era.

Does Putin fear bedroom toys?

A sex toy is an object or device that is primarily used to facilitate human sexual pleasure, such as a dildo or vibrator. People of all ages, skin color, nationalities and religious confessions enjoy sex toys, along with the boss of the Secret Service. The head of the Yagoda NKVD in the USSR was found to have 3,904 pornographic photos, 11 pornographic films, 165 pornographic pipes and ten dildos in his two Moscow apartments and his dacha. Does the President of the Russian Federation also have a thing for sex toys? Of course. Without a doubt, Putin is scared to death of sex toys. Putin’s penis can’t rival a dildo. This is why Putin doesn’t take it into his own bedroom. He doesn’t like the big things at all. Dwarfs aren’t fond of giants and that’s all there is to it. Putin keeps little dolls of American and European leaders in his bedroom. At one time, Putin was taken by Angela Merkel. Now he has a kick on the US presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. It seems that Doll Hilary has a hard time in Putin’s bedroom. Little wonder Hillary hates Putin. He’s not a handsome man. But it’s the doll who’s suffering, not the the real Hillary. It is fortunate for Putin that he has to deal with a doll, because the real Hillary would make a shorter shrift of him than any Monica Lewinsky.

What would a sex­ting session with Putin read like?

Dear Vlad, I’m waiting for you today in my bedroom. I have all kinds of sex toys. Toys like you’ve never seen.

Once upon a cold and sunny day.

A day Alexander Pushkin once described:

Frost and sun – what a glorious day!

Yet still, sweet friend, you sleep away

I just received a text message.

PUTIN: Hello, Vlad. I read your articles. Vlad, you’re wrong.


PU: Because every morning I look at myself in the mirror and see a nice man. Not as you write, a monster.

VS: Mr. Putin, change the Kremlin mirrors. They aren’t reflecting reality.

PU: I watch Russian TV and see how my people love me. I have a 94 % rating. Ratings never lie.

VS: On December 21, 1989, the president of Rumania Nikolai Ceausescu had a 99 % rating. On December 25, 1989 he was shot against the wall of the soldiers’ bathroom.

PU: I can fuck over any international leader. Obama, Merkel, you name him.

VS: My dear, I recently bought a sex doll called M Putin. I fuck this doll every day.

PU: I can detonate a nuclear bomb and transform America into radioactive ashes.

VS: You’ll be killed your friends. Not by a bullet like Ceausescu. Your people, who love you very much, are going to kill you with a faloimetator in a public WC.

PU: What leads you to believe this?

VS: Because you are a terrorist. Do you remember what you said about the terrorists?

PU: No

VS: You said: “We’ll go after terrorists wherever they are — at an airport – okay, at an airport. If we find them in a toilet, in an outhouse, we’ll do them in right there​.”

This is a work of satire.

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