Be more than a “Private” (military joke, get it?)—Work in the Public Sector!
Your local government has a number of employment opportunities, so don’t delay, apply today!
(expect delays in our reply)
Why choose a position with us? Let’s hear what our happy employees have to say:
“I always had to work hard to protect my reputation when I was self-employed, but working for a giant, faceless organisation that everybody expects to be awful has really allowed me to turn in a lacklustre performance day after day.”
“They gave me a high-visibility vest which ironically makes it easy for me to be totally anonymous and unaccountable!”
“It’s really opened up a new world of fearlessness for me. I’ve seen how ineffectual and clueless most of the enforcement departments are, so now I park wherever I want and throw my garbage in the street.”
“I used to have to beg my boss for a day off during the school holidays at my old sales job. Now I just visit my doctor, say I can’t sleep with worry, and they give me two weeks whenever I want, no questions asked!”
“There are a ton of old men here that share my passion for grey suits and baldness—I’ve never felt so at home!”
“The pace of getting anything done here is glacial at best, so I haven’t been into the office for months, and nobody’s done a thing about it. I don’t think they’ve even noticed. I’m having the time of my life! FORE!”
“What’s that? The grass is overgrown and there’s dog poop in the communal area outside your apartment? It’s not my department, sir. Please call our hotline.”
SIGN-UP TODAY! (complete forms Y-32b through Y-37d in triplicate on our unfathomable website, estimated administrative burden: 17 hours).
We are an equal opportunity employer— all our employees have an equal opportunity to make little or no positive contribution to society.
Simon Pinkerton is a writer living near London and formerly of Minneapolis. He writes short-stories and humor and is a contributor at McSweeney's, Maudlin House and Absrd Comedy amongst others. He doesn’t have any pets goddamit—his kids would ruin them. Please find him @simonpinkerton on Twitter and read his blog at www.simonpinkerton.tumblr.com