Step 1: Remember that your feelings are the only ones that matter. Also, remember that you don’t have any because you’re a man and not a bitch.
Step 2: Make the right selection. Avoid girls with older brothers and active fathers. One of them might beat your ass. Also, because girls with fathers won’t let you do anal.
Step 3: Always remind her how lucky she is to be with you. “With” means whatever you want it to mean. This is about you, not her.
Step 4: Text her non-stop for three months about how much you like her. Take extra care to treat her like your girlfriend, and then randomly stop responding to her messages. When she becomes rightfully enraged, tell your friends that you think she’s crazy.
Step 5: Fuck one of her good friends. (Preferably during the three months that you were texting her non-stop). Then tell her to chill because you’re single and can fuck whomever you want.
Step 6: Convince her that you’re a really good guy who’s just woefully misunderstood. Use phrases like: “I just never met the right one I guess.” and “I don’t like who I’m becoming.” Bonus points if you can mention how you’re “not like other guys.”
Step 7: Once she’s thoroughly convinced that you’re one of the good ones, gain her sexual trust. Start out slowly, one base at a time kind of thing. Then take her virginity.
Step 8: After she’s sexually attached, start fucking her regularly. Then tell her that you can never be official because you have too much respect for yourself to date a girl who’s not a virgin.
Step 9: Always remember what you deserve. Here’s a list of your unalienable rights:
- a virgin girlfriend
- a virgin girlfriend whose only ambition is to raise you in all the ways your mother failed to.
- a virgin girlfriend/mother who’s loyal enough not to leave you if and when you cheat.
- a loyal virgin girlfriend/mother who sits at home thinking of ways to be more loyal, more motherly, and regenerates her hymen every day before you have sex.
Step 10: Get your shit together.
Step 11: Please get your fucking shit together.
Tylah Gantt is an accounting major at the University of Notre Dame. When she isn't busy draining her soul in the name of capitalism, you'll find her hurriedly scrawling half thoughts on napkins and her iPhone notepad. Her biggest accomplishment to date is being named MVP of her tee ball league. Tylah will be pursuing her MFA in fiction at Fairleigh Dickinson this upcoming fall because she still has no idea what to do with herself.