“Every CD you own contains a monster! EVERY CD YOU OWN CONTAINS A MONSTER!“” – Monster Rancher 2, Back Cover
Did you know that while you’re taking a shower, if you hold your ear up to the stream without touching it, you can hear a deep, evil hum? It’s there. You could argue that hearing this is more important than showering itself, and you’d be right.
Monster Rancher 2 is about latent magical potential. It’s about secret truths. For just as there is a bass drone in your bathwater, so there is a Ducklon in your AOL PowerSuite CD-ROM. And really, you should be feeding it mint leaves.
ALBUM REVIEW: DEATH GRIPS – THE POWERS THAT B
Death Grips are presumably a group of human musicians that never took into consideration what types of monsters live inside their records. For this reason, I’ll be referring to them as ‘foolish.’ The Powers That B is their 4th studio release, and it’s a double album, which means we’ll have two Disc Stones to take to the Shrine.
How does this work? What am I even talking about? Peel slowly and see:
DISC STONE #1: The Powers That B (Side A) – Niggas on the Moon
The Shrine is a miracle church, and it makes the following demand: Remove the Monster Rancher 2 CD from the Playstation. Insert the Disc Stone. To this day, I find this order wild and frightening. Physically removing the very game we’re playing and replacing it with a CD of our choosing is the truest magical experience of 1999. Much like an unplugged phone ringing in a horror movie, it just should not be. How the game determines what monster is in each CD isn’t a total mystery, but it does contain a lot of number words, so it might as well be. We obey the lawless God of Monster Rancher 2 and await our reward. And then this thing pisses its way out of the portal.
This, unfortunately, is a Gibberer. A foul, clapping nuisance that insists on being as unlikable as possible. Unlike actual apes, which are peaceful babymen that wish only to talk to you with their hands, the Gibberer’s solitary dream is to disappoint. The final sting? They live for-fucking-ever.
At this point, I’d be ready to call The Powers That B the worst album of music performed by humans in 2015. Luckily we have a second Disc Stone to deliver us from this vulgarity.
DISC STONE #2: The Powers That B (Side B) – Jenny Death
With the bar set so devastatingly low by the first half of this album, it would be a treat to replace this beast with pretty much any monster. And there are a lot of them.
The tree of possibilities in Monster Rancher 2 is near infinite. With a total of 408 different combinations of breed/sub-breed and an equally high number of hidden in-game variables, it’s impossible to predict what’s waiting in each disc.
Aching for a miracle, we return to The Shrine and explain our situation to God. The Jenny Death Disc Stone is placed upon the altar as we extend our cupped hands to the portal. “Give us some.”
To call this occurrence ‘funny’ is only to encourage the obscene slapstick of the Gibberer. Essentially, this is the equivalent of rolling two dice and having them both turn to bile in your hands. That being said, this does show an incredible level of consistency on behalf of the foolish Death Grips. How do these two records differ, if at all? Here’s the breakdown:
As reluctant as I am to admit it, these aren’t terrible overall stats. A combined point total of 802 and 791 for Sides A and B respectively is actually slightly above average. As long as you aren’t nauseated by the idea of this thing being close to your body, training it may not be an entirely negative experience. The personality traits of these Gibberers only confirm this:
Finally, the secrets of The Powers That B are revealed, as our Monster Data determines both halves of the album to be Even, Normal and Good. Unquestionable and absolute, Monster Rancher 2 knows more about this album than the average listener ever will. For instance, it probably took you at least two listens of Jenny Death before you came to understand that it didn’t like Potato, but Monster Rancher 2 gives us this information immediately, and such is the true power of this game.
In the Monster Rancher universe, monsters are ranked according to a strange and unfamiliar sequence of letters that are usually reserved for luxury automobiles and torpedo boat destroyers. I’ll be adopting this rating system because it is perfect.
DEATH GRIPS – THE POWERS THAT B
FINAL RANK: E CLASS
Respectable stats aside, this album remains a repulsive little wretch that craves a single Milk. ___________________________________________________________________________
Curious about what monsters live in your favorite album? Send requests to @RancherReview and I’ll take them to the Shrine.