Poets Online Talking About Coffee: Scott Manley Hadley

Hi boss. Check out the design they did on my coffee just now. Should I put it on the graaaaam? As a story or part of the canon?

I don’t know if it’s not too ugh like milky for the canon, y’know? Everyone’s shifting to dairy alternatives these days and – to my oat (or cashew) milk-supping eyes that looks pretty dairied up. I can see lactose in the swan. Also swans – like the individuals who work in the dairy industry – are vicious shits, so maybe it’s appropriate and maybe you can swing it as pro-cow satire? I am choosing to read it as that, but it was a stretch.

How much extra did they charge for the swan?

Do you think a swan would like to see itself represented so?

I doubt it, to be honest. I doubt a swan is ever satisfied. A species of pricks, like most non-mammals.

Reptiles, fish, birds, insects: I think they’re evil-adjacent. They lack souls, so they cannot truly be “evil”. But they are not people. Amphibians, mammals, though, there’s a light in their eyes: they are people, no different from us. Which is why it’s cruel to farm any of them for profit. If anyone is making money from cows’ milk, it should be cows. There will always be perverts who want to sup on an old jersey teat.

Please don’t tell me that oat milk production uses child labour. Of any species. (Plants are not alive, unless machines are. In my opinion.)

It’s not extra for the swan. The chap just did it. Any mentions of coffee in the upcoming QMT/Truther Poop book? Oh, let people know more. How can they submit? What should they send?

Oh Russell, yes yes yes there will be coffee in Queen Mob’s Teahouse & TRUTHER PRESS Present: Scat To Be Poo: An Anthology of Writing About Poo. Coffee often makes people poo, so it’s gonna be in there somewhere! But you’d like to know some more about the book? Well, it will be a collection of poetry, fiction, essay, memoir and – hopefully – visual art, spanning as much time as we can. Submissions are open until the end of June, and alongside submissions we’re super super super super keen to get pointers towards historical (i.e. public domain) writing about poo. We’ve got a few in there already, but we’d love more! So, yes, visual art (reproducible in a book), poetry, prose, lyrics, probing personal essays – whatever people have, as long as it’s on the topic of poo. Some will be funny, some will be serious, some will be sad: much like pooing.

What’s your go-to coffee order, Russell? And how often do you poo after drinking it? Are you regular? How regular? Do you feel comfortable discussing this? I do, for the record.

Ask Me Anything.

Go-to is flat white unless I want to pretend that I’m Ally McBeal and then I order a latte and walk around the city drinking it. My answers to your poo questions also depend on whether I’m Ally McBeal. I’m gonna ask: what’s the vibe in Canada right now?

I’m gonna have to be frank with you Russell and let you down gently: it’s pretty calm here. Other than Trudeau apologising profusely for not using enough French, everything seems under control. That language usage is a major headline, rather than escalating death counts and infection rates, is – I think – a good thing. I remember wandering around cities, mask-free, sipping on coffee. It was a different time and I’m honestly not certain when – or if – it will happen again. The idea of consuming food or drink in the street sounds insane to me now, y’know? The COVID is in the air, it’s on every surface, it’s terrifying. Sometimes when I walk around and my glasses steam up from my breath in the mask, I just leave them like it because I’m scared of touching my face and getting the dirty dirty COVID germs into my vulnerable little mouth. It’s nice and unfamiliar – for me, maybe not for others – to actively want to avoid death. So that is progress, of a sorts, for me. Btw RusseyB, do you have any insider goss on when Nintendo Switches are going to be back in stock here in North America? I really hope it’s before lockdown ends as I am desperaaaaaate to spend a week playing Mario full time and I won’t be able to do that again once I’m back at work as I will be at work. Boohoo. How are you filling the days? I’m reading a lot, and cuddling my handsome dog.

Ah, you don’t have a teh Switches? Oh, why is your score at Mario Kart Tour a minus score? Jajajajaja

Oh no. That’s sad. I had to delete Mario Kart Tour from my phone as it became a terrifying black hole of time and attention. Playing computer games on a device that is intended to be used exclusively for said purpose seems like a much safer attitude, imo, hence my keen seeking for a Switch. I wouldn’t go and have a poo with a video games device in my pocket, y’know, whereas my phone is always there and one Mario Kart Tour race – only two laps – would quickly turn into two Mario Kart Tour races and then on and on and on until there was nothing in the world happening and the poo would be solid and almost impossible to wipe off by the time I tore my eyes away from the racetrack. It’s also unhygienic, innit, just using the phone when using the toilet, so minimising toilet phone touching time is a useful thing to do. Especially as time has worn on and we are ALL germaphobes now. We have to be, right? Is COVID like food poisoning bacteria and hot heat kills it? i.e. is coffee good for us? Hot poems cure it, too, I heard, but I don’t know if that’s correct or just a just a just a false bullshit rumour… What is your score on Mario Kart Tour? What games should I get for a Swiiitch? Of course I’m keen for the one with Mario throwing his hat around, but what else, RusseyB? Teach me, lead me, preach me.

Ah muchly muchly no doubts no doubts.

I love that band. Gotta go, the Switch arrived and I gotta play, playa.

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