Internal Sobriety Monologue #1

I want to get drunk.

You’re 7 days sober.

Fuck that. I want to get drunk.

Look up reasons not to drink.

It says things like “it’s not worth it” and “desire is temporary.” Pinteresty quote shit doesn’t resonate with me.

Text someone from AA.

She said: “I’m not home right now but whatever you do do NOT pick up that first drink.”

That doesn’t resonate with me either.

Because I want to get drunk.

Smoke a cigarette.

The woman from AA also spelled my name “Isabelle,” even though I wrote, “Hi, it’s Isabel” in my text.

I smoked a cigarette. Now what?

Smoke another?

Cigarettes are making this worse.

You’ve been so good this week.

Can I go to Walgreens to buy seltzer?

If you go to Walgreens, you know you’ll buy alcohol.

Will I?

Yes.

If a sober girl gets drunk and no one is around to see it, did she really get drunk?

Yes, she really did get drunk.

I can just not tell anyone.

If you can’t be honest at AA, where the hell can you be honest?

They were so proud of me, weren’t they?

Yes.

I’m going to ruin this, aren’t I?

Put on the necklace you got engraved with the date you got sober.

A necklace will not save my life.

It may remind you of the reasons you quit drinking.

I don’t even know why I quit drinking.

You were vomiting at work every single day.

Fine. But why can’t I just have one drink?

Because you don’t want one drink. You want to get drunk.

Being drunk is fun.

Being drunk was ruining your life.

Are we all supposed to pretend being drunk isn’t fun? I love being drunk.

Why do you love being drunk?

Because I want to check out of the world. And I feel better about myself.

Until you don’t. There is a very small window wherein you actually feel good about yourself.

That’s a bullshit bell curve.

Can I go to Walgreens and buy seltzer?

Can you?

I’m going to Walgreens to buy seltzer.

Okay, I’m just buying seltzer. And a Red Bull.

Good. That’s good!

But there’s a cute guy standing by the beer.

That is a dumbfuck reason to buy alcohol.

I’m going over. It’s the Fourth of July. He’ll think I’m grabbing beers for a fun party I’m having with friends.

Stop it.

I’m buying beer.

Put the beer back.

I’m going to purchase this beer.

This is like dealing with a child.

Well I can’t put it back NOW. That looks weird.

Literally NO ONE NOTICES ANYTHING YOU’RE DOING.

I bought the beer.

Now what?

Don’t drink the beer. Just put it in the fridge. Better: the closet.

Okay, I’ll drink the seltzer.

I’m drinking the seltzer.

What about the beer?

Just ignore it.

I feel a bit better now.

Why?

I think just the process of buying beer felt good. The routine.

That’s an unwise and completely unsustainable mechanism for maintaining sobriety, but if it made you feel better at this moment, fine.

Cool.

So you’re going to stay sober?

For now, I guess.

Cool.


Isabel Rae McKenzie is a devout Chicagoan and newly sober person, but she’s still living her best chaotic Virgo life. You can find her on Twitter at @birdpoems.

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