Underground Funnies: 12 Occasions on which my wife looks at me and finds me deeply unattractive

  1. When Johnny Depp is onscreen

  2. When I’m singing Queen songs in falsetto in the full-length mirror in the bedroom and I don’t hear her come in and I am super shocked and I jump and scream, in falsetto, and then I’m mortified

  3. When I’m dressed like Freddie Mercury in the Queen music video for “I Want to Break Free” (same incident)

  4. When I’m writing this list on the toilet and I thought she was meant to be asleep but THERE’S HER BIG GODDAM FACE AT THE DOOR

  5. When I use “shitdick” as a pejorative, especially in the phrase “Get out, shitdick!”

  6. Or “dickshit”, as in “Jesus, is some privacy too much to ask for, dickshit?”

  7. When I call Johnny Depp a shitdick, or a dickshit

  8. When I’m cramming Peeps into my mouth over the sink

  9. When I’m leading my Hate-Speech Workshop

  10. When I’m holding the ugly one of our babies

  11. When I meet the actual queen and I’m meant to bow but accidentally curtsy and Prince Philip is cracking up (laughing)

  12. Just generally

    Simon Pinkerton is a writer living near London and formerly of Minneapolis. 
    He writes short-stories and humor and is a contributor at McSweeney's, 
    Maudlin House and Absrd Comedy amongst others. He doesn’t have any pets 
    goddamit—his kids would ruin them. Please find him @simonpinkerton on 
    Twitter and read his blog at www.simonpinkerton.tumblr.com

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