Disney & Marvel Present: The Princess of North Sudan, Starring Rachel Dolezal & The Black Avengers

Disney and Morgan Spurlock, director of the documentary, Super-Size Me, recently announced that they’ve teamed up to produce a feel-good movie about colonialism.

 

From The Hollywood Reporter (5/13/2015):

 

Stephany Folsom has been tapped to pen the script for The Princess of North Sudan, Disney’s unique princess tale inspired by the true account of an American man claiming a territory in Africa and proclaiming himself and his family its royal rulers.

 

We know how that sounds and we too had our concerns, as did the denizen of Twitter, who registered their displeasure with the project. For example:

 

 

Despite the social media heat, Disney continues to develop the project for the silver screen. We’ve obtained an exclusive copy of Folsom’s script and have excerpted it below. As you’ll see, Folsom’s bizarre production makes full use of Disney’s resources, bringing in characters from several of the studios Disney owns. Take a look:

 

INT. THE BLACK PANTHER’s castle: T’Challa, the superhero known as THE BLACK PANTHER and ruler of the African nation Wakanda, sits on his throne, contemplating his role in the universe, when his palace lights begin to flicker. The room goes dark and when the lights return, NICK FURY, former director of S.H.I.E.L.D., a spy organization that works closely with superheroes, stands before him.

 

NICK FURY: I’d like to talk to you about the Avenger Intia—

 

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BLACK PANTHER: Look dog, I got a nation to run; I don’t have no time to be prancing around with you and them white boys.

 

FURY: Well, T’Challa, I believe I can change your mind.

 

BLACK PANTHER: I doubt it…

 

FURY: You hear what’s going on in North Sudan? This cracker from Virginia, Jeremiah Heaton, put a flag in the ground and says he’s the King and his daughter’s the Princess!

 

PANTHER (laughing): Man, Nick I thought you was serious for a second. You trying to get me to join your group of white boys by appealing to my sense of Pan-African pride? Get the fuck outta here. You American niggas are something else, boy.

 

FURY: I wish I were joking, but no, in 2015, a white man with a cheesy flag is laying claim to African land like his colonialist ancestors who wreaked so much havoc over the last several centuries.

 

(FURY, pulls out a device and shows PANTHER a hologram of Jeremiah Heaton holding the flag over his newly claimed territory.)

 

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FURY: Put up some money in his Indiegogo campaign and you can get a title in his government.

 

PANTHER: What the— No. You’re serious aren’t you? (calling into the next room): Storm! Storm! You hear about this shit?

 

FURY: Umm, Panther. Disney doesn’t have the rights to your wife.

 

PANTHER: What? But this cracker got rights to parts of the continent? Aww, hell no. Who we got on our side to ride on this fool?

 

FURY: Well, there’s Luke Cage…

 

PANTHER: Yeah, that’s my nigga!

 

FURY: …but he hasn’t been introduced into the Cinematic Universe yet.

 

PANTHER: Damn.

 

FURY: There’s Falcon—

 

PANTHER: You mean Captain America’s sidekick?

 

FURY: And there’s The Iron Patriot.

 

PANTHER: You mean, Iron Man’s sidekick? (sighing) Fuck, all right. Let’s give them a call. (PANTHER pulls out his cell phone and calls up FALCON).

 

FALCON (on the phone): Falcon speaking, who dis? latest

 

PANTHER: Panther, dog. You hear about the white man from Virginia claiming land in Sudan on some colonialism shit?

 

FALCON (on the phone): Oh, hell no? In 2015?

 

PANTHER: Stop playing sidekick to that corny ass white man and come do something for your people.

 

FALCON (on the phone): Fuck you, nigga; I’m on my way.

 

FURY: Black Avengers A—

 

(Fade to black.)

 

EXT. The Border of North Sudan and Wakanda: BLACK PANTHER, NICK FURY, IRON PATRIOT and FALCON arrive in North Sudan to find the border heavily guarded by Heaton’s private security.

 

PANTHER: Fury, we gon’ to need some back up.

 

FURY: I got just the folks.

 

PANTHER: Who? Iron Man? Hulk?

 

FURY: Leave it to me, brotha.

 

(An hour passes and a plane lands next to our heroes.) latest

 

PANTHER: All right Fury! You my nigga. You came through!

 

FURY: You know your boy Fury won’t let you down.

 

FALCON: So who we g—

 

PANTHER: You gotta be kidding me.

 

(The plane door opens and out come LANDO CALRISSIAN, JAR JAR BINKS and RACHEL DOLEZAL. LANDO is holding a bottle of Colt 45.)

 

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IRON PATRIOT: Fuck this. I’m outta here. (IRON PATRIOT FLIES AWAY.)

 

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PANTHER: This is our back up? A senior citizen malt liquor pitch man, a coon and…and…yo, I don’t even know what the fuck she is.

 

JAR JAR: Weesa go fight fo’ da mudderlan’!

 

RACHEL: In the name of our African ancestors, let’s ride on these white crackers, my niggas!

 

FALCON: Whoa, whoa. What’d she just say? She even black?

 

FURY: Spare me the self-righteousness, Falcon; you’re Captain America’s best friend.

 

FALCON: What’s that have to do with anything?

 

FURY: How many times has he “accidentally” referred to you as a “negro,” huh?

 

FALCON: I– Well– Look, Fury, he’s from the ’40s. He doesn’t know any better.

 

RACHEL: Falcon, my brotha, now you know you got a teammate who ain’t e’en been married and who don’t got no African heritage like we got, my nig-nig, but I don’t hear no one be getting upset that she be calling herself da Black Widow. Besides, we all comes from Africa, on da real! Boyee! The black man is God!

 

LANDO: Can I interest you all in the smooth taste of Colt 45? It works every time.

 

PANTHER: Fury, dog. This the best you could do?

 

FURY: Look, Marvel and Disney don’t give us much to work with.

 

PANTHER: Might as well have called in Howard the Duck, that black Disney princess who was a frog for most of her flick and that damn Lil’ Jon lookin’ Muppet with the horrible Jamaican accent.

 

(HOWARD THE DUCK, PRINCESS TIANA in frog form and the Jamaican Muppet, CLIFFORD, peek their heads out the plane.)

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CLIFFORD: Nick Fury, you ready for us, mon?

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PANTHER: You know what, Fury, he can have North Sudan.

 

(PANTHER walks away. Fade to black.)

 

RACHEL: The white man is the devil!

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