Sight Unseen: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM The bass were biting biting biting

a “sight unseen” review of The Interview


I got this call from this guy at the newspaper or whatever it is called these days, asking me to review a movie. I’d just put a full tank of gas in the car and so of course I jumped at it. They told me they’d “eeemail” me a “link” to “download” this movie and apparently it means that I’d have to get this movie over the Internet on a computer.  Now I say – if God wanted us to watch movies indoors He would’ve invented convertible buildings.  People are meant to watch movies in the proper environment – the drive-in. “I’m not watching this movie in no hardtop,” I said, and the newspaperguy said “Look, just download it.  You click the link I send you and watch it. Watch it on the computer strapped to the hood of your car for all I care.  It’s called “The Interview” and it’s about a couple of guys who go to North Korea.” Well I wasn’t going to ask questions because I spent all my money on gas and the Western Auto just got in a new shipment of shift knobs that look like an 8 Ball ($4.98 when they’re on special) and I want my car to get that flash.

So I did what they said and started to download this thing and sure enough just as it starts up and the green bar starts goin’ I got another phone call and Jessup said the bass were biting and I needed to haul it down to the marina so we could fire up the bass boat with the entirely-for-sporting-purposes twin Evinrudes and hit our honey hole for some topwater action.

I met Jessup at his bait shop, BAIT (not to be confused with Bait, which is at the other marina), and his sister Lorna Lynn was there and she was gonna watch the shop while Jessup and I were out fishing. I threw two cases in there and Jessup had his bottle and we put on our best fishing jumpsuits to head out and get our lines wet.

I mentioned that the newspaperguy was gonna put my pockets on the outside of some money and Jessup said “oh they finally gonna let you review Jackie Chan in Police Story 4: First Strike?” and I had to let him down and say no, I can’t ever seem to get the plum assignments. They’re always shoving me into the hardtops to see these dumb movies like “Lord of the Rings” or “Batman.” I mean – these movies are so dark, you can never seem them right on the outdoor screen. What’s the point?

“So what are you watching?” he asked me. I told him it was something called “The Interview” and he just sucked on his teeth and said “Yeah It’s a good ol’ fashioned anti-Commie flick about a good ol’ boy and some other TeeVee guy who go to North Korea and try to kill that pinko they got runnin’ everything over there.”

I shifted and a bunch of the empties moved. Jessup yelled at me about makin’ noise and scarin’ the fish. “You mean they’re givin’ me a movie to watch like ‘Red Dawn’ about beatin’ back them Commies and showing them people what America really stands for?!” I was just about to get out from under that half rack of empties and salute as I hummed the National Anthem but Jessup stopped me and said “aw hell I dunno, I just know that the North Koreans hacked it on the computers and kept it outta the theaters.”

Just goes to show you that when America was great and had a movie industry based on the Drive-In there would never have been any of this nonsense. Ain’t no computers at a drive-in to hack and they could show you any old film they want. I reeled my line in to swap the bobber for the topwater we meant to use when we came out. We were round the bend from Lost Bridge so the whole area around us was shale under the water and echoed against that one cliff side, you know the one.

Something was bothering me about the movie though. “So you mean to tell me that some TeeVee guy is just gonna kill the leader of North Korea?” “Yeah I guess,” Jessup said.  I heard him rustle around in the boat and when I turned around he had his .45 out standing on the far bow of the boat  doing his best Outlaw Josey Wales and just BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM into the water.  I turned and looked at him and Jessup just waved his gun sideways at the stunned perch floating on the surface. “Are you gonna stand there and flap your lips about some goldanged movie all day, or are you gonna haul in some fish?”

I scooped up the perch and put ’em in the livewell. I cleaned up my two racks of empties and said we should haul it back in. “Back in?” Jessup said.  “We’ve only been out here two hours!” “I gotta get back and review this movie you won’t even tell me about!” I shot back. He threw his gun back in the front storage for the trip back to the marina.

We unloaded, Jessup took his fish into BAIT, and I tossed all those empties into the bins. Lorna Lynn dragged me to my car and drove me home. I tried to ask her about ‘The Interview’ but she just kept saying they weren’t hiring maybe I should fill out an application at the Waffle House.

I tried to explain but she just said she didn’t understand computers. She hauled me inside and I saw that green bar still waiting and waiting and waiting.  I sure as hell wasn’t gonna watch this indoors so I did what my newspaperguy said and taped my computer to the hood of my car. Night was coming down and I was anticipating that paycheck so I stripped that old gearknob off and shoved it into third. Since the knob was gone I could get the stick well up against the ashtray for more room to get Lorna Lynn to slide across the seat closer to me if you know what I mean and I know you do.

Lorna Lynn sat there with me and we watched ‘The Interview.’ I have to say I didn’t get it,  but we got to watch it outside so it gets 4/5 stars even though it was just that green bar moving slowly across the screen. I never saw them guys that Jessup talked about, I never saw any North Koreans or any other kinds of Communists.  I just don’t get these art films.




@scearley (Luscious Dick Tacoma) lives 18 inches above the Columbia River
editor’s note: this post is part of our Sight Unseen series in which people review movies or they have NOT seen or read. Guidelines for submitting to Sight Unseen can be found here

Submit a comment