Ask Avant is a series in which award-nominated internet persona Avant Garcia helps everyday people by imparting the wisdom he's received from the Council of Hedgehogs. Today's advisee is Steve Guttenberg, an actor from Brooklyn.

First of all, Steve, you have to realize something: life isn’t like the movies. In the movies, everyone is handsome and muscular, and they enjoy kissing each other on the mouth. In the real world, we all have technicolor goat faces and can only express affection through provocative dance moves and winky-face emojis ().

In short, life is tough.

We’d all love to be verified on Twitter. But not all of us carry the sway and swagger of people like Seven Foot Wave or Roderick Walton. They’re tastemakers.

It’s true, of course, that you’ve starred in the epic two-part Meet the Santas saga, and you seem to have written some kind of book about insane children, but how does that compare to the work of the fine folks over at the American Citizen Services of the U.S. Embassy in Tirana, Albania?

Still, I understand. Being verified on Twitter is the Holy Grail of social media stardom. Not only do you get a tiny check mark next to your avatar, every verified account is automatically welcomed into the Brotherhood of the Tweet, a secret organization that meets twice a year to decide the fate of the Euro and to discuss ethics in gaming journalism.

It’s an enviable, powerful position, and I, a verified unverified Twitter account holder, will help you achieve your goal.

First, in order for you to be verified on Twitter, you must verify yourself with yourself. How do you know you’re the real you? Where is the tiny checkmark on your soul? Some may recommend deep meditation, taking a spiritual retreat, or some other new age-y quick fix. I propose something much simpler and more practical: clone yourself.

Next, shrink your clone, and have him take a miniature submarine through your body (á la Fantastic Voyage). When he’s through, have him report his findings back to you and then crush him in the palm of your hand (don’t tell him that you’re going to do this beforehand, as it might make him less likely to work with you).

Now that you’ve learned yourself inside and out, you can considered yourself verified; tattoo a tiny checkmark on your forehead.

But then you have another problem: how do you know anything around you is real? Is anything in your life verified? Your friends? Your family? Brooklyn? The internet? Your hair? Santa Claus?

You must realize that nothing is verified, thus nothing is real. We are all just phantoms floating around this earth, screaming in each others’ ears and occasionally attending Jonas Brothers concerts. Only when you recognize the true, amorphous nature of reality and transcend it, will you earn that tiny Twitter checkmark.

If you still have issues getting your account verified, try checking Twitter’s FAQs.

If you need advice, tweet your questions to @QueenMobs or @AvantGarcia.

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