Your menstrual cycle will be as sporadic as Trump’s intelligence briefings.
- Hot flashes will be triggered by the sight of orange, anywhere, anytime.
- Your stomach will expand exponentially with our apple-shaped president elect once he takes office.
- Your mood swings will mirror Trump’s maniacal tweets—one day ecstatic, boastful, and completely ludicrous, while other days whining about the unfairness of life.
- Vaginal dryness will no longer be an issue since as all vaginas everywhere in the contiguous United States will experience a PTSD-induced drought the moment Chief Executive Pussy Grabber takes office.
- No one will notice the permanent bags under your eyes, as everyone has them now. Your complaints about lack of sleep will be met with a stern command to unplug from every newscast, website, blog, and social media platform warning us about the impending apocalypse.
- Be careful with incontinence. Trump is obsessed with leaks of any kind, and you could soon find yourself hacked by the NSA even if you’re innocently trying to Google exercises for weak pelvic floor muscles.
- While perimenopause can take anywhere between one or two Trump presidencies, you pray for a July 4th impeachment miracle where you will see the last of the both.
Nancy Hightower has published short fiction and poetry in journals such as Word Riot, Sundog Lit, Flapperhouse, Cheap Pop, Gargoyle, and Prick of the Spindle. Her novel, Elementarí Rising, came out from Pink Narcissus Press in September 2013 and her first collection of poetry,The Acolyte, was published in 2015. She reviewed science fiction and fantasy for The Washington Post from 2014-2016 and is currently working on a book about digital fictions with DJ Spooky. She teaches at Hunter College.