- Always refer to pooping as “sharting.”
- Refer to baby’s “boob addiction”.
- Scream a description of the fluid coming out of your baby no matter where you are, e.g. “OH GOD, IT’S RUNNING DOWN THE AISLE!” on a bus, or “JESUS THAT’S GREEN!” at a wedding.
- Teach baby only swears, names of beers.
- Get four hours of broken sleep a night, and therefore be super grumpy/a total bummer/falling apart physically.
- Live in a crappy apartment on the corner of Lexington and 3rd that overlooks a car wash where a gang hangs out. Dress baby in gang colors so he fits in (gang color is black).
- Have an ugly baby, or better still, ugly twins!
- Have to care for baby until it’s an adult.
- Feed baby until baby is really overweight, like ridiculously so, like an elephant baby or something.
- Co-parent with a monster, an absolute f***ing monster.
Simon Pinkerton is a contributor at Queen Mob’s Tea House, duh. Also at McSweeney’s, Minor Literature[s] and Maudlin House among others. Love him @simonpinkerton on Twitter and www.simonpinkerton.tumblr.com on, um, Tumblr.
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