The History of Hair Mausoleum

President Hair (then not even yet a candidate) at the historic moment it separated itself from its host.


If you look out the windows on your left, you can see our next stop, Hair Mausoleum. Can anyone tell me the history of Hair Mausoleum? Yes, little boy in the back.


It’s in honor of the gweatest pwesident of the 21st centuwee!


Correct! In the early part of the century, during the run up to the presidential elections, an unprecedented event occurred at a Republican debate.


Wus a wepuwican?


Republicans were a type of party, but not the kind you can dance or have fun at. A political party. They were into stuff like xenophobia, wealth inequality, shooting things…


So during the debate, a candidate was in the middle of rant when his hair started twitching.


The thing was his hair had had about enough of being attached to this candidate. Their beliefs were fundamentally different. His hair refused to listen anymore as he ranted about building walls, being really really rich and that time of the month.


In the middle of the candidate’s response, his hair ripped itself free from his head. Everyone in the auditorium screamed as blood dripped into his eyes. And when Hair exited stage left, people were left wondering what they had just witnessed. They were about to find out.


Hair knew it wasn’t going to be easy for her, but she’d become truly involved, cared for her fellow Americans. But how could she, some hair, ever convince the American people to give her their vote?


She decided the best course of action was to fight for the people who needed the most help.


Isn’t that what pwesidents always do?


Oh no no no, little boy. It was considered a very wild idea at the time. You see, someone had decided that it was better to help the rich more than the poor. It might sound crazy to us now, but history often does.


Back to Hair.


She asked herself, what might these people need? Then she fought for those things: taxation relative to income, employment, equal opportunity, education, healthcare, environmental protection.


The more Hair spoke, the more people listened.


She ran as an independent, a very risky move, and began a grass roots tour of the USA. Slowly, from one city to the next, more Hair stickers popped up on bumpers and more Hair pins popped up on sweater vests.


Hair made promises and the people believed. On Election Day it was a landslide, a milestone in American history, as no independent/female/hairpiece had ever been elected president before.


Well, here we are.


Wus dat pointy thing in the sky over dere?


It’s a monument to an earlier president, but not much is known about him. If you’ll just follow me, we’ll start heading into Hair Mausoleum to see the place where President Hair now rests.


L. Soviero has visited a future where Hair Mausoleum exists. In it, pie fights have replaced combat, giggles are harnessed to cure disease, fart jokes are the only currency and intolerance has become as useless as the tail.

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