All work and no play lately have made Cornelia a dull gal? Not so, I’m still very sharp and pointed, however I’ve had a lot less time for play. I still talk to people on dating apps, but given a choice to respond to drunk people on weekends or stay in and do some research for a writing project, you guessed it – books and films > humans.

So, I shall write about chastity sans belts. I’ve been watching sexy shows and films – other people doing it so I don’t have to. My friend of many years did send me a photo of himself sans pants recently, over the computer. I took it as a creative writing mini-project to have Facebook messenger sex with him, aka I typed in scandalous descriptions of what ‘could’ be going on if he weren’t in New York City and if I was there with him instead of Los Angeles – you get it, right?

Many years ago, before further technology, we attempted phone sex – it was pure comedy it turns out, none the less, don’t you think Alexander Graham Bell in his time and collective societal modesty would’ve been appalled? Upon researching the first telephone models, they are made from hard wood, have a phallic mouthpiece and have two round metal bells next to each other that look like boobs. (What’s happening to my mind? I see what I want to see.)

During this, um, writing experiment – it’s easier for me to type stuff while my long-time friend types with one hand – and “you know what” with the other one, whilst sending me photo and video updates of his progress with himself and his manhood. Since we’re buddies who used to “do it” in our youth, afterwards we discussed our current crushes and how to, err, ‘smash’ or schmoosh (or whatever the kids are saying now-a-days) these objects of our desires.

Oftentimes the power of suggestion is better than the real thing even – less messy physically and emotionally. Which brings me to the “art and letters” portion of this here sex column. Since I define film as art, I shall provide you with a couple examples of how not having full on in-person sex can be quite something. I think about film as much as I think about sex, for I am a creature of Hollywood. Have you seen ‘For a Good Time, Call‘? It’s rather well done and the results will actually surprise you. It’s about women who get people off with their mouths – just their vocal chords though.

Recently I watched a preview of ‘Far From The Madding Crowd‘ and let me tell you, Thomas Hardy stuff is SEXY. The Victorians, as prim and proper as they were, are SEXY. Their chastity is hot hot hot – their almost getting “it.” Did you know that Victorian women had “fan” signals? Their hand fans and how they held them indicated different things in courtship. Talk about stealth. (Any such connection as to why Brits call a hoo-ha a “fanny”?) So much more thrilling to me is this notion than sending a cell phone photo of my boobs to someone.

fan operations

The modern direction in the film adaptation of this Hardy novel was also a virtually orgasmic delight mentally and visually for me. There’s this part where Sargeant Troy, in his bright red British officer’s uniform, uses a sword to swoosh the air around our dear Bathsheba Everdene. You’ll know what I mean when you see it. Those of you who know the story know how he is morally, but still… The tool of combat he used to /not/ touch her (ok – his sword), but touch her with air was enough to make most of us in the theater cream our pants, sort to speak. In writing for film classes, we are told to add moments where the romantic leads do not kiss, but almost kiss – that those are major turn-ons for audiences. This is not a falsehood, as I am living proof.

Then again, I watch the History Channel show where people have a lot of sex and it really does it for me too.

What are your favorite chaste books, films where the would-be lovers almost do it, but then don’t quite do it, for a really long while?

Cornelia grew up in the wooded lands of The Blair Witch and the times of the nineties. She's learning the trials and tribulations of phone app dating on the dirty streets of Downtown Los Angeles, whilst making sure Hollywood stays Satanic and playing the theremin.


Submit a comment